“I love God, my Family, & everyone SO much, Thanks Father Almighty! ❤️ Stef.” @stefanie.rouse
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I wrote in a diary almost everyday starting at age 11, and I wrote the above sentence (slide write to see) at the end of most entries. But my heart started getting calloused. Diary entries evolved to share more pain I was feeling. Left out, abused, depressed. Words of hatred I had towards myself and others. Emotions I couldn’t control, friendships failing, not being understood, not getting invited, being cheated on & sexually abused. Feeling like I was a let down.
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Life can beat out that childhood innocence and love. My heart grew harder. I still would smile a lot, but I was hiding my pain and putting on an act. I so desperately wanted to be loved, and I tried to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. I wanted so desperately to measure up, but always fell short.
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My life changed after my sophomore year in college. I put my life fully in God’s hands, studying God’s word became my passion and I couldn’t get enough. I started throwing out the old fake version of myself, and learning to love God, myself & others again. But still disappoints & pain have wanted to pull me towards bitterness and a hard heart.
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I long to have that child-like tender heart. Seeing the best in everyone. Letting go of hurt, pain and disappointment. Not because I’m naïve, but because I know that someone has already paid the price for all the pain in this world. God can remove my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. And then the Lord can protect my heart.
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God’s love isn’t selfish, it’s not wishy-washy. His love is unconditional, unfailing. Nothing can separate us from His love. When we accept His love, we can then love unselfishly, freely: not based on what others have done for us, but because of Jesus’ great love.
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“And now we love because he first loved us.”-1John 4:19. I want to have that soft heart again, and not out of an insatiable need to be accepted by others, but because He first loved us. You are loved beyond measure my friend ❤️ Stefanie. Did you every keep a diary? Love hearing from you!
